Friday, August 8, 2008

Tired


This post will sound a little depressing maybe.

I had a really super time finding clips of stand up comics this week. However, not many of them were fit for your young ears, so I didn't post them. I wanted to do a post in tribute to Late Night comedy, too, my other favorite kind of comedy. There is just something so refreshing about somebody who can take a piece of the crap from life and form it into a beautiful crap sculpture that makes you laugh so hard you cry. Life is beautiful and its crappy; you laugh sometimes, you cry sometimes. Anyway, I wanted to share a lot of comedy this week because it's one of my very favorite things, but toward the middle of the week something in my soul dropped out from under me and I started feeling discouraged. All of a sudden I kept seeing this vision of myself as a sad clown, and that's just sad, so I wouldn't let myself continue.

So this is what I got for today instead. There's more integrity in it.

Today I was snoozing in my lawn chair outside while I watched the kids play. How is that possible, that I watched them while I snoozed? Oh, it's possible. Suddenly, a giant bumble bee landed a foot or so from my feet on the ground. I opened my eyes and looked at it and was at once both facinated and repulsed. I was annoyed that it had the nerve to land by me. By me! And then the fear kicked in and I almost squashed its big fat bumble bee guts out with my flip flop. Thwack! I thought about it, saw myself doing it, saw the guts smooshing out. And then the bee started crawling around on the ground, and it looked so cumbersome a task, using its tiny legs to move its bulky, bulbous body around, that I instantly felt sorry for it. I had the strangest desire to offer my assistance to the bumble bee, though rationally I knew there was no assistance I could give it. I felt compassion for this insect that only and instant ago I had wanted to destroy.

And I thought, "There must really be something wrong with me, to be able to go through that range of emotions so quickly, almost instantly. And for an insect no less!" And, I thought how eerily close my reaction to the bee is to the reaction I have toward people sometimes, too.

And for some reason, this made me think of that Counting Crows song on August and Everything After, Round Here. A tired song, I guess, played too much in its day, but some of the lyrics haunt my soul sometimes, loose, irridescent, moaning, trapped ghosts that awaken and bump about restelessly in my chest until I say, "Yes, yes, I remember," and sing them back to sleep.

Step out the front door like a ghost
Into the fog where no one notices
The contrast of white on white.

And in between the moon and you
The angels get a better view
Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right.

I walk in the air between the rain,
Through myself and back again.
Where? I don't know

Maria says she's dying.
Through the door, I hear her crying
Why? I don't know

She says, "It's only in my head."
She says, "Shhh...I know it's only in my head."

But the girl on the car in the parking lot
Says: "Man, you should try to take a shot
Can't you see my walls are crumbling?"

Then she looks up at the building
And says she's thinking of jumping.
She says she's tired of life;
She must be tired of something.


I always thought this song was written about me, not this Maria person it talks about. The song is probably about drugs or something, aren't they all? but it always spoke to me. I think Maria would have had trouble sharing air with the bumble bee, too.

Song's on the player if you want to hear it.



8 comments:

Poohbear said...

Where is the man???? I can almost kill most bugs....Do I need to send U a bug killer????? love ya

Dave said...

She must be tired of life, she must be tired of something.... need vacation. How about a day of fun at the Idaho Rodeo!!!! More clowns and shit kicking then you could possibly imagine! Come on little camper cheer up. If it helps, I bought cookies tonight.

Dave said...

you are the "bug whisperer" sounds like a sad post, but in reality after reading it a second time through, funny stuff.

Gary said...

ok so I was reading this and I started to feel said because you seemed to be having a hard time but as I read more just like dave did I started to laugh my head off. that was funny with the bee.

hey if your getting up im thursty. can you bring be back a juice please?

Emily said...

There must be something wrong with me too. It can take a lot less than a bee to get me going! I love Counting Crows. We have tickets to their next show. We might end up selling our tickets. (sniff sniff) Do you want to go? I can still picture my good friend Adam singing this song. Deep.

Dan said...

I've recently (the last few years) found myself hesitating when I want to kill bugs. If I'm walking down the sidewalk and I see a bug walking across it I'll usually go out of my way not to step on it.

Bugs in the house are entirely different. We've given them fair warning; if they still choose to come in, it's crunch time.

Kristin and Steve said...

Speaking of my good friend Adam....Domino's anyone?

So the other day I had a Bananna Creamie. It was good. It made me think of being in sixteen in Bodtches kitchen and basement listening to Boyz II Men and watching PG-13 movies.

Sorry about your soul dropping out. You know I'll catch it and give it back to you if you ever need me to.

If I accidently drop it, I'll drive you up to Plain City to get you a pop. While we drive we can talk about it and see about getting you a new one.

When we're done we'll go to the good Taco Maker on Harrison and get Bean Burritos. I'll even pay extra and get you some with Sour Cream on it if that would help you find your lost soul.

I lose mine sometimes too. I'm Fat too.

Heck, maybe we should just do this stuff anyway. Sounds like a great day-trip. No kids though.

Side Bar: I don't go out of my way to kill bugs unless the are, A.In my house. 2.Crowling on me. or D. really scary and ugly, then I make someone else kill them.

Russ said...

Joseph Smith once said that if we knew what he knew we wouldn't dare kill bugs if we could help it. I feel for you though, when Nathan was first born I found myself feeling sorry for a dollar bill I was putting in the soda machine because the machine spit it back out. I even consolled it, til I realized what I was doing.