Friday, February 29, 2008

My car is Canadian

Here is the story about my car, Green. Green is an awesome Toyota Camry that does the point A to point B thing exceptionally well for a car of her age. She had some domestic abuse and has had a little reconstructive surgery. Her headlights are a little dimmer now, but she is better in all ways than your car.

I was driving to work tonight and this big-acre truck pulled up beside me at the stop light, and I thought, you know, I bet that dude doesn’t even notice me down here. And I thought that was a lot like the way we Americans view Canadians. I, for one, never think about Canada. They probably want to be Americans and think of us all the time, and we couldn’t care less that they exist at all.

Then I thought that if the big-acre truck looked at me at all, he would be looking down on me. Since he was so over-compensatingly tall and I was so normal sized, you see. And so I thought that maybe my car might also be part Mexican.

And then I got to thinking that maybe my car is really made up of a bunch of minorities, and I thought that if I put in the right paperwork, maybe my car could get a scholarship and go to college.

Technically, if you want to get technical, the car is Japanese. But it’s patriotic Japanese, since it was made in America by foreign hands. Or else it was made in Japan by American hands. Either way, it’s so patriotic it might as well have the American flag painted on the side.

The paint job the car does have, though, is not an American flag. The car’s name is Green because that is what color of paint it most prominently wears, but I have to tell you, the car is biracial. It is half green and half beige. This happened when a green car got drunk and knocked up a beige car. And even though both cars were technically patriotic, my car still ended up being a patriotic biracial minority.

Also, the car is elderly. I think the politically polite term is Senior Citizen. My car is a Senior Citizen. So I was thinking, everywhere my car goes, it should get a discount. Especially when it fills up with gasoline and at buffets, my car should get the Senior’s discount.

Also, my car is part Kangaroo, because I keep the joeys in the pouch in their carseats.

It’s tough to be a minority in America. There’s always some other minority that makes you look like a minobody. It’s idiocy when a perfectly good minority can’t get his rights and special treatment. You know? Green doesn’t get any of the respect she deserves, doesn’t get credit for being Canadian, a particularly patriotic Japanesian, or made of two really good colors, and she doesn’t get any discounts for being older than the hills. She needs those discounts due to her fixed income and needing to spend it on medications, tune-ups, and prune-juice and Metamucil for transmission flushes. Seriously, I don’t know what this country is coming to. I don’t know why my car gets plain old normal treatment when it is clear she is a minority with special needs.

1 comment:

Kristin and Steve said...

They say bi-racial's are the best looking kind. I personally have always admired ole green's body style. Curvy in all the right places like I wish I was.

If you need any recomendations for her college aps, I feel qualified to write one. I have known her a long time. Remember how that one time she hit a skunk on the way back from Plain City pops. She took it in stride. A lot of other cars would have been grossed out, not Green though.

If you bring her to my house I'll let her park up real close, you know like in the driveway on account of her age. Even though she may not have a wheelchair sticker in the window.

The system truely is broken.